Trusting After Divorce

Like almost everyone who’s ever been married, I trusted my spouse. I trusted her with money, kids, possessions, pets, and everything else. But most importantly, I trusted her with my heart. 

She told me at one point that if I hadn’t caught her cheating, that she would have taken her secret to the grave. Her plan was to stay in our marriage – while having an affair – and never tell me about it.

She broke my trust AND my heart

In other words, she broke my trust AND my heart.

The choices that ultimately led to the end of our marriage were pretty extreme, but others have been through much worse. There are many who simply grew apart and decided to split as friends – without drama. I’m jealous.

But the reality is, whether you spent tons of money on attorneys or had a friendly, uncontested divorce online, you probably have trust issues. Your age, gender, or the reasons for your divorce really don’t matter. 

Because of the trust you put in your spouse, the simple fact that a divorce occurred creates mistrust. 

So here you sit – divorced and unable to trust. I know. It sucks.

Having trust issues makes perfect sense if your ex cheated, abused, or was just an asshole. But even if you were the cheater, abuser, or the asshole, deep down you know that if you can do it to them, then they can do it to you. Hence the trust issues.

Online Dating Isn’t Helping

Bumble was the first site I signed up for after my divorce. I hadn’t been on an actual first date in 28 years and I didn’t know the rules of the game. Accordingly, I just swiped right on any female in my area that I found pretty. I didn’t know anything about these women such as age, religion, number of children, etc.

I was “rewarded” almost immediately with 10-15 gorgeous women asking for my number and wanting to text. I was so flattered – and naive – that I gave out my mobile number and started chatting. After a few back and forth messages, I asked one of these women if she’d like to meet.  She said “Of course I would baby. I charge $100 for an hour.”

Baby? $100 for an hour?! WTAF?!?!?!

I politely refused her “offer” and moved on to the next beautiful woman with whom I’d shared my number.

Unfortunately, she offered a similar proposition, as did the next dozen or so.

I learned very quickly how to be a bit more discerning by reading bios and setting standards.

Real Life Dating Doesn’t Help Either

I learned to chat a bit longer in the app (rather than giving out my phone number willy nilly) and asking some pointed questions. This helped weed out the prostitutes and some other issues I didn’t want to deal with.Infographic: How Couples Met | Statista

But ultimately “online dating” only works if you go offline and actually meet in person.

It is VERY common – at least among women near Salt Lake City – to post old and/or photoshopped pics in their dating profiles. I can only assume men do the same. Why would anyone would do that? Do these people hope their dates will be so in love with their online persona that they’ll ignore the 100 pounds they’ve gained – or the 10 years that have passed – since the pics were taken? 

Creating a false expectation on your dating profile only adds to the trust issues so many of us already have.

Despite the obvious drawbacks, online dating has become the number one means of finding love. Which means the mistrust will continue – or even get worse over time. 

What Can You Trust

I can’t speak for anyone else, but if I’ve learned anything from my divorce and dating experience, it is that you can never know for sure if you should trust someone.

That may sound harsh, but I’ve also learned to trust the fact that, no matter what anyone else says or does, I’ll survive. I know my worth. And I know that the lies and actions of others is not an indication of my value, but shines a spotlight on their lack of values.

Don’t let anyone diminish your worth. Trust your value.